You're gonna have those days...even when you're calm

As hard as I try to stay positive and happy, sometimes a day comes where I'm just a little too tired to smile. I'm a little too worn down from emotions. And there are underlying reasons as to why this happens. Sometimes even I don't know what they are. This year I promised myself I was not going to get stressed out over stupid-ness and be calmer, and so far that has been true. My mind is as calm as its ever been and I refuse to freak out about things that are minor or unchangeable.

With that being said, the body still communicates with the subconscious and I am still human. Therefore, I will still have days when I am not 100% or feeling happy. Today is one of those days. As everyone knows, since 2015, I have dealt with a bladder and pelvic condition that at times can be very crippling, both mentally and physically. I have dealt with many uncertainties with it and am proud to say that I have improved more than I ever thought I could in 2 and a half years. So many people might find this post ridiculous or come to me and say, "well it could always be worse!"

I understand that fact. And they're right. It could always be worse. I could be where I was in 2015. I could be battling something physically life-threatening. To have improved as much as I have in this short amount of time is amazing to me. But this condition is incurable and it will never go away completely. Anyone who has this or has looked into it will know that. It will more than likely never "just disappear." 

2017 had many ups and downs, and the downs were pretty significant. We moved into a house that I was not incredibly fond of and I gave up my beloved apartment that I had had to myself since moving up there in college. The move caused a lot of tension in my house and as a result we were never the same since. Then, in September, my father suddenly passed away from something that could have been prevented years earlier if he had only listened to us. Our family back-bone was now gone, and our "family" started and continues to implode (this was not new though). Yes, there are many things going on behind the scenes. So, even though my mind is incredibly calm, my subconscious has a different idea.

This morning I went to see my urologist for a review and prescription renewal. Since early December, I noticed my pain start to change and rear its ugly head again. To give you an example, I'll use the number scale method (even though I loath this method). For the past year, my base-line every day pain level was between a 1 and a 2, noticeably tight but barely there. Early December 2017, the base-line level went up to about a 3-4. It didn't spike or anything, so I didn't say much about it, but I could definitely notice the difference. I, myself, can function with a daily pain level up to about a 6. Level 7 and above is where I draw my line because the pain feeling changes and becomes unbearable to the point where I cannot even stand up. So you can understand why I became concerned when the base-line level started rising. Not only that, but every night since then I had woken up around 3 am with flares so bad they couldn't even be classified on a 1-10 scale. 

She explained to me that with everything that had happened in 2017, my body was still dealing with the stress even though my mind seemed stress-free. The cortisone levels in your body rise, apparently, when the body is under stress. Therefore, she told me that this ends up making IC and pelvic pain worsen depending on the stress level of the body. Due to this, she upped my medication again. This was the disheartening part. The fact that I try so hard to get and feel better and to live as normally as possible can still be thwarted by this underlying pain that will never fully go away. Every time this happens, I remind myself that I have improved greatly, but this also reminds me that physically I am still not OK, no matter how hard I try or trick my brain into thinking it. 

Yes, this "could always be worse." And I am so grateful to God that it is not any worse than it is. Because everything in my life could always be worse! But sometimes days are going to come where I am reminded of this annoyance and am just too tired to pretend that I'm OK. But that's alright. Because it's OK to have days like this. Days where you lay in your bed with your heating pad, watching stupid movies and taking the stronger medication that was prescribed to you. It's OK to feel down or disheartened, even though things "could be worse." You're still a human being and there is still something physically wrong in your body. And if people tell you that you should suck it up, well then they aren't worth your time. The ones who care will understand. Sometimes, you just have these days.