Chapter 1: Happy

Welcome to Chapter 1 of the rest of your life. You've made it. You did it. January is Chapter 1 of 2019. First and foremost, that is something to be proud of! As stated in my last post of 2018, this is the year we are going to be kinder to ourselves and block out the world's harsh words. So what has happened so far?

For me: I have calmed my mind. And I will tell you how I got here. After suffering a pretty bad mental breakdown around Christmas time, I looked at myself in the mirror and slammed my hand at it. I was disgusted. I looked at my reflection and could not recognize the person staring back. I had become so wrapped up in my own negative thoughts that I had lost who I was, completely. I was pale, had bags under my eyes, my hair was falling out by the clumps, I wasn't sleeping and I felt as though I was drowning in the sea of my thoughts. And the worst part? I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself for months, sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. I isolated myself from everyone. My anxiety had skyrocketed and I could see the path I was heading toward, all because things were not happening the way I wanted them to in MY timeline. 

I have been down this road before, a few times, and each time it was very hard to snap out of it once I was there. My mother was worried because she saw the signs and knew that something was wrong, even though I would say I was "fine, just tired." I had been constantly turned down for jobs I was more than qualified for, I had lost friends with no explanation why, my successful wedding business was shelved due to my mental health, I had no money, no idea what I wanted to do in life, and I felt very alone. So that night in December, I was home alone, and I bounced between Facebook (of course) and checking my bank account, and a million different things, that were completely normal, made me throw my phone down and scream. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but it was actually months of repressed pain all coming out at once. I ran to the bathroom, feeling sick and just collapsed. It hurt to move. My panic attack spiraled and I just cried on the floor, screaming, "Why am I stuck here in this life? What have I done that's so wrong? Why do I have to fight so hard? ME ME ME ME ME (basically)." I sat for a moment on the bathroom floor, just in the quiet. And I remember crying quietly, saying, "Why is everything always taken from me? I don't have the strength you think I have." I broke. Now, believe it or not, it takes a lot to break me. I do get defeated sometimes, but to actually break me is really hard, even after all this time. So when this happened, I was officially at the end of my rope. I was given the strength to stand up and that was when I looked at myself in the mirror and went through that whole thing (I also thankfully did not break the mirror LOL). Over and over in my head, I heard the song Rescue by Lauren Daigle. The song is written from God's perspective, telling a broken person that He hears them and He will rescue them. The lyrics to the chorus are:

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night it's true

I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight it's true

I will rescue you

And one particular lyric stuck in my head that night. At one point, before the chorus, she sings:

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear you whisper you have nothing left

Which means that the individual has absolutely no strength left to fight. When you become trapped in your own head, your view of the world is very screwed up. Your head can be a horrifying place to be. Even my loved ones have said that mine seems that way LOL. I did not know who this person was. I felt trapped in my own personal horrors that my mind had created and knew that this was not me. My therapist says that my mind creates this as a defense mechanism; it cannot escape the habit of the way my childhood brain would handle situations to protect itself and, because I am now an adult, I have to physically force my way out of that thinking because now it is just a dangerous default setting. Also now, it does more harm than protect. She also said, however, that I have the gift of insight. So basically, there is a part of my brain that can detect when something isn't right; it can see that I am about to spiral or default or panic which gives me the upper hand if I have the strength to combat it. Doesn't always work, but hey, I'm human.

So that night, I decided it was time for a change. I did not want to be this selfish, self-absorbed, panic-stricken, defeated person that I was becoming. I looked up, still crying, and said, "God, take it all. I can't do this anymore. I'm done trying to control everything." (anybody who knows me also knows I tend to be a control freak at times). And I just heard Him say, in my own way, "Finally." 

Just a few weeks after I cleared my mind of everything negative and decided to enjoy every day and be good to myself, I was offered a great job opportunity, which was a very big deal. I stopped trying to control the outcome and just said, "Whichever job is offered is the one I'm meant to have." and it was the last one I had expected. I have now gained financial stability for a while and a more positive outlook on life.

Now, whatever you believe in, whether it be God or just a higher power, or the Universe, whatever it may be...just know that your main goal in life is to be happy. To live a happy life. Ever since that night, my mind has been (eerily) calm LOL. My stress level is down and my panic attacks have stopped. I let things slide and have been in a very positive mindset since the holidays, even though this world has STILL been trying to thwart that. I just finally decided that I choose happy. I basically threw the "timeline" out the window and am letting everything happen in its own time. This is the longest stretch this has happened and I am grateful for everyday that I wake up with a smile on my face. When it's meant to be, it'll be and I am taking life lessons from my favorite boys (The Beatles) and just Let it Be. 

This year will be about all good things. We will take the bad as it comes, and we will cherish the good and appreciate it. This is the year of joy and peace of mind. I truly believe that. I know we have a long way to go, but it's going to be worth it.