Farewell 2018...
As 2018 comes to a close, we reflect on the good and the bad from the past 12 months. Maybe you got a new job, got engaged, had a baby, had someone you love pass away, or maybe you just stayed the same. This year has been filled with many ups and downs and it seems as though it was a rough, chaotic and very quick year for every single person I have spoken with. Where exactly did 2018 go?
Personally speaking, I know my year was a rough one and it flew by so quickly, that it became overwhelming to think that it's almost over and I feel as though it was one bad moment after another. Which is obviously not true, but that is how society has trained our brains to work.
At the beginning of the year, one of my closest friends and I made a pact that this year was going to be "our year!" since 2017 ended on a really rough note. However, that mentality quickly changed when the good became fewer and fewer and the bad became front and center. Over this year, my loved ones and I have had people pass unexpectedly and expectedly. Money has been tight and I chose to put my business on hold for my own time and mental health. I have been personally dealing with the loss of my dad and my grandmother and moving through my anger and discomfort. I could not understand why my mental state was not improving and was only getting worse, especially lately.
I am too hard on myself. Many people have told me so. But it wasn't until the other night that it finally sunk in. Sometimes you just have to get there yourself, even though the people you love are telling you these things daily. My disappointments only have power over me because I let them. I look at them as failures instead of lessons. I look at myself as a failure. As many know, my self-esteem isn't great LOL. And there are only so many times you can get kicked down before you kind of just stay there and say the hell with it. I've screamed, cried, sworn, and completely given up to God this year, asking Him for answers, which I have never fully done before in my life. Begging Him to tell me WHY. Who am I? What am I good at? How do I move forward? What is the point? Needless to say, it's been rocky.
I have beat myself up time and time again this year, constantly comparing myself to my friends and to the society "norm." I have not been kind to myself. And that is what I am striving to do come 2019. That is what we ALL should do come 2019. I don't usually do New Year's Resolutions (mainly because I can never stick to them), but something has to change. It's time to change. So I decided to be kinder to myself. God does have my back, despite the crap that fills my mind and steals my joy. I have people who love me, I have a job, I have food and a roof over my head.
I have to calm the hell down LOL.
He doesn't tell me why. I don't think He ever will. And that is something I have to come to terms with. But He gives me hope, and it's time we all trust that everything is going to be fine. I recently finished reading "You Are A Badass" by Jen Sincero and started reading "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. I'm not a self-help book kind of girl. But I can't get enough of these. They truly understand the mentality of the world and in turn give people the opportunity to know that they are not alone in the fight against their own minds.
You are not a failure, despite what you feel and think. You are doing your best. You're doing it. Be kind to yourself. Take a nice bath, go take that trip, read your favorite book and turn off your phone. TURN OFF YOUR PHONE. Get off social media for a while. Because it doesn't matter what others think or how well others are doing, what matters is you're trying and you're doing your best. It's taking me a long time to realize that, but we're in this together. And you know what, 2019 WILL be our year!
"Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs, our beliefs become our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our realities..."
Jen Sincero
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