Do not lose the faith
Do you ever just have that nagging feeling about something? Around 1 am you think of it and even though you try to fall asleep, it just eats away at you until it's taken care of? Well that was me, at 1 am, writing this blog post. I was inspired tonight, and even though I would rather be sleeping, here it goes. This blog itself it just random happy thoughts that come to my mind every once in a while, but never really anything too deep. And never really anything deep about myself. However, I was inspired by a few friends of mine who really put themselves out there for the world to see and the world accepted them with open arms. So here goes my deep dark blog post...
Tonight was a night unlike any I have ever experienced. Friends of mine brought me to a small worship night at the house of a couple I have gotten to know pretty well over the past couple years. It makes me laugh sometimes that these people, who were all brought into my life from different circumstances and in different ways, knew each other. But it ended up being one of the best things I could have hoped for. I have had many bad experiences at churches ever since I was a little girl. My family and I have been cast out more times than I would like to admit because we "didn't fit with the image" or we were just "different." We didn't worship the way they did, so we were cast out. I have been betrayed by people I thought I could trust with my heart in times when I truly needed them. So going to church was not something that was on my "to do" list.
I have a very strong bond with God. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not ashamed of my faith and I proudly talk about God to whoever wants to listen. He has done more for me that I ever thought possible. But through everything I have been through and everything my family has been through, my faith is shaken at times. I'm human. But God never lost sight of what I needed. He knew what I needed before I even knew. I know this because of the people He has brought into my life and the strange and surreal way he did!
I have never felt accepted and welcomed in a church community. For as long as I can remember, I have had my guard up because I was always judged for things church goers knew nothing about. There are so many things that even people close to me do not know; times in my life I wish I could go back and change. But at the same time, I wouldn't change them. I don't have regrets about them like I used to. They helped shape me into who I am today. They helped bring me closer to God.
I went through really bad depression when I was about 12 years old. I was bullied by people who had once been my best friends. My sister and I were at odds all the time and I never knew or understood why. And my other sister's health was really starting to fail. My faith in God was almost non-existent. I wanted nothing to do with God. In my mind, He LET the bullies win, He LET my sister hate me, He LET my other sister get sick. He LET my life fall apart. So I wanted nothing to do with this God person. He didn't love me. He wanted to see me suffer. That is what I believed. And because I almost denounced his name, suffer I did. I sank deeper and deeper into depression. I was almost too far gone. My family would pray and pray that I would be healed; that God would save my soul. But the damage I had done to myself could only be undone by me. I selfishly begged Him to help me so I could go back to living my life. That only made things worse. You think The Conjuring was scary?...HA.
My sister took a turn for the worse, I isolated myself from my family, and the bullying got worse as well. Life seemed meaningless. All I could hear was that little voice in my head saying, "You're worthless. You're nothing. They hate you. They'd be better off without you." Every single day. I became one of those emo-like hermits. I had hit rock bottom. And then suddenly, one day, God woke me up. The veil was removed from my eyes and I realized that God wasn't the one who was trying to make me suffer. The devil had gotten inside my head. I was vulnerable. He wormed his way in and wore me down to the point where I couldn't get him out. Not without God's help. And God did help, because I asked Him, not for my sake, but for the sake of my family. I finally saw what this was doing to them as well as me. I saw them just wanting me to get better. I realized I wasn't alone. They had always been there. God had always been there, ready to catch me when I fell. And He did. I kicked the evil SOB right outta my head and became a born again Christian that day. I'll never forget it.
Ever since then, He has been there for me through the good and the bad. He has made sure that no matter what, I would be ok. He also knew I needed to go about worshipping Him my way. To really connect with Him, I had to do it the way that I felt closest to Him. And so He has paved the way for me. The God that "hates tattoos," made it possible, when I was broke and ashamed, for me to get a reminder etched into my arm. And every time I look at it, I smile and I remember that I am stronger than my past. The God that says "you must go to church on Sunday," listened to me when the church didn't. He listened to me speak about not trusting churches after everything I've been through with them. He listened to my cries for help in tough matters. He helped me get my disease on the right path, to the point where I can get out of bed most mornings without feeling as though I am dying. He provided me with a pastor on TV that has touched my heart more than any I had ever seen in person. He provided me with worship songs that were my speed and I love to sing to him whenever I feel like it. He provided me with a support system that listens and is always there. He provided me with an amazing small group of friends, an amazing and supportive man, and a second family that I can call my own. And through all of this, He was still working. Through this family and through these friends, He brought me to this night. The night where I took a chance on faith once again and went to a small worship night with some friends. And, for the first time, was not judged. Was accepted.
God is still working for the better in my life. But a lot of the pieces fell together tonight. The people he brought into my life were brought for a reason, and they led me to this very thing. The thing that was missing. A community where I could feel like I belonged. It's a long road to feeling like life has meaning again. And it starts when you are very young. When you stray, He brings you back home.
My point to all of this is to keep an open mind. And to keep your faith. Don't ever give up on it. He is always there and He is always working for you. You just have to be patient. His timing is perfect. And His love is endless.
Tonight was a night unlike any I have ever experienced. Friends of mine brought me to a small worship night at the house of a couple I have gotten to know pretty well over the past couple years. It makes me laugh sometimes that these people, who were all brought into my life from different circumstances and in different ways, knew each other. But it ended up being one of the best things I could have hoped for. I have had many bad experiences at churches ever since I was a little girl. My family and I have been cast out more times than I would like to admit because we "didn't fit with the image" or we were just "different." We didn't worship the way they did, so we were cast out. I have been betrayed by people I thought I could trust with my heart in times when I truly needed them. So going to church was not something that was on my "to do" list.
I have a very strong bond with God. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not ashamed of my faith and I proudly talk about God to whoever wants to listen. He has done more for me that I ever thought possible. But through everything I have been through and everything my family has been through, my faith is shaken at times. I'm human. But God never lost sight of what I needed. He knew what I needed before I even knew. I know this because of the people He has brought into my life and the strange and surreal way he did!
I have never felt accepted and welcomed in a church community. For as long as I can remember, I have had my guard up because I was always judged for things church goers knew nothing about. There are so many things that even people close to me do not know; times in my life I wish I could go back and change. But at the same time, I wouldn't change them. I don't have regrets about them like I used to. They helped shape me into who I am today. They helped bring me closer to God.
I went through really bad depression when I was about 12 years old. I was bullied by people who had once been my best friends. My sister and I were at odds all the time and I never knew or understood why. And my other sister's health was really starting to fail. My faith in God was almost non-existent. I wanted nothing to do with God. In my mind, He LET the bullies win, He LET my sister hate me, He LET my other sister get sick. He LET my life fall apart. So I wanted nothing to do with this God person. He didn't love me. He wanted to see me suffer. That is what I believed. And because I almost denounced his name, suffer I did. I sank deeper and deeper into depression. I was almost too far gone. My family would pray and pray that I would be healed; that God would save my soul. But the damage I had done to myself could only be undone by me. I selfishly begged Him to help me so I could go back to living my life. That only made things worse. You think The Conjuring was scary?...HA.
My sister took a turn for the worse, I isolated myself from my family, and the bullying got worse as well. Life seemed meaningless. All I could hear was that little voice in my head saying, "You're worthless. You're nothing. They hate you. They'd be better off without you." Every single day. I became one of those emo-like hermits. I had hit rock bottom. And then suddenly, one day, God woke me up. The veil was removed from my eyes and I realized that God wasn't the one who was trying to make me suffer. The devil had gotten inside my head. I was vulnerable. He wormed his way in and wore me down to the point where I couldn't get him out. Not without God's help. And God did help, because I asked Him, not for my sake, but for the sake of my family. I finally saw what this was doing to them as well as me. I saw them just wanting me to get better. I realized I wasn't alone. They had always been there. God had always been there, ready to catch me when I fell. And He did. I kicked the evil SOB right outta my head and became a born again Christian that day. I'll never forget it.
Ever since then, He has been there for me through the good and the bad. He has made sure that no matter what, I would be ok. He also knew I needed to go about worshipping Him my way. To really connect with Him, I had to do it the way that I felt closest to Him. And so He has paved the way for me. The God that "hates tattoos," made it possible, when I was broke and ashamed, for me to get a reminder etched into my arm. And every time I look at it, I smile and I remember that I am stronger than my past. The God that says "you must go to church on Sunday," listened to me when the church didn't. He listened to me speak about not trusting churches after everything I've been through with them. He listened to my cries for help in tough matters. He helped me get my disease on the right path, to the point where I can get out of bed most mornings without feeling as though I am dying. He provided me with a pastor on TV that has touched my heart more than any I had ever seen in person. He provided me with worship songs that were my speed and I love to sing to him whenever I feel like it. He provided me with a support system that listens and is always there. He provided me with an amazing small group of friends, an amazing and supportive man, and a second family that I can call my own. And through all of this, He was still working. Through this family and through these friends, He brought me to this night. The night where I took a chance on faith once again and went to a small worship night with some friends. And, for the first time, was not judged. Was accepted.
God is still working for the better in my life. But a lot of the pieces fell together tonight. The people he brought into my life were brought for a reason, and they led me to this very thing. The thing that was missing. A community where I could feel like I belonged. It's a long road to feeling like life has meaning again. And it starts when you are very young. When you stray, He brings you back home.
My point to all of this is to keep an open mind. And to keep your faith. Don't ever give up on it. He is always there and He is always working for you. You just have to be patient. His timing is perfect. And His love is endless.
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